Grief deserves more space! A psychologist reveals how we misunderstand this crucial emotion. Discover how to navigate it. #Grief #MentalHealth #Psychology
Explanation in video
Untangling Our Most Misunderstood Emotion: A Beginner’s Guide to Grief
Hey everyone, John here! Welcome back to the blog. Today, we’re tackling a topic that, sooner or later, touches every single one of us. It’s an emotion that’s incredibly powerful, deeply personal, and, as our expert source for today – a clinical psychologist – points out, very often misunderstood. We’re talking about grief.
Lila: Oh, grief? That sounds a bit heavy, John. When you say grief, I immediately think of losing someone close, like when a family member passes away.
John: That’s a completely natural first thought, Lila, and you’re right, that is a very profound form of grief. But what the experts, like the psychologist whose insights we’re exploring today, really want us to understand is that grief is much broader than just death. It’s an emotion that truly deserves more space and understanding in our lives.
So, What Exactly Is Grief, Then?
John: At its core, grief is our natural human response to loss. Any kind of significant loss, not just the loss of a person. It’s the emotional suffering you feel when something or someone you love or value is taken away.
Lila: “Any kind of loss”? Can you give me some examples, John? I’m trying to picture what else would count.
John: Absolutely! Think about it:
- The end of an important relationship or friendship.
- Losing a job, especially one you were passionate about.
- A major health diagnosis for yourself or a loved one, changing life as you know it.
- Moving away from a home or community you loved.
- Letting go of a long-held dream or aspiration that’s no longer possible.
- Even changes like children leaving home for college, or retiring from a career.
These are all forms of loss, and they can all trigger a grieving process. It’s like your heart and mind are trying to make sense of a new reality where something important is missing. It’s a fundamental human experience.
Why Do We Get Grief So Wrong So Often?
John: That’s a great question, Lila, and the psychologist we’re referencing has a lot to say about this. A big part of the problem is that our society often isn’t very comfortable with difficult emotions, especially sadness and pain that lasts for a while. We get a lot of messages, sometimes subtle, sometimes not, to “be strong,” “move on quickly,” or “look on the bright side.”
Lila: I know what you mean. Like when people say, “Time heals all wounds,” almost as a way to rush you through it?
John: Exactly! Or they might share platitudes that, while well-intentioned, can feel dismissive of the pain someone is experiencing. It’s like putting a small bandage on a very deep cut without cleaning it first. Grief needs air, it needs to be acknowledged, not papered over. Plus, movies and TV often show grief as this very dramatic but ultimately neat and tidy process, which just isn’t how it works for most people.
Let’s Bust Some Common Myths About Grief
John: There are several persistent myths about grief that can actually make the experience harder. Understanding these can be a huge relief.
Lila: Myths? Like what, John?
John: Well, here’s a big one:
Myth 1: The “Five Stages of Grief” are a strict roadmap you must follow.
Lila: Oh, I’ve definitely heard of those! Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance, right? I always thought you had to go through them in that specific order to “do grief properly.”
John: That’s precisely the misunderstanding! Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, the psychiatrist who introduced these stages, originally observed them in people who were facing their own terminal illness. While many people who are grieving a loss do experience some or all of these feelings, they are not a neat, linear checklist. Grief is much more like a tangled ball of emotions, or waves in the ocean. You might feel intense anger one day, a moment of peace or acceptance the next, and then find yourself back in denial or deep sadness. The psychologist emphasizes that these “stages” are more like common experiences or states we might visit, often in no particular order, and sometimes revisiting them multiple times. They are not a prescription for how grief *should* unfold.
Myth 2: Grief has a specific, predictable timeline.
John: People often ask, “How long will I feel this way?” or feel internal or external pressure to “be over it” by a certain point – a few weeks, a few months, a year. But grief doesn’t punch a time clock. It’s incredibly personal. The duration and intensity depend on the individual, the nature of the loss, your support system, and many other factors. Trying to fit it into a neat timeframe just adds unnecessary pressure.
Lila: So, it’s okay if it takes a long time? Or if some days are good and then suddenly a bad day hits you, even way later?
John: Exactly, Lila. That’s perfectly normal. Grief can soften over time, but for significant losses, it often becomes a part of you, something you learn to live with and integrate into your life, rather than something you simply “get over.”
Myth 3: You need to “be strong” and hide your sadness.
John: This is a really pervasive one. Many of us are taught, especially men, that showing vulnerability or sadness is a sign of weakness. But when it comes to grief, allowing yourself to feel and express your emotions is actually a sign of courage and self-awareness. It’s about being honest with what you’re experiencing. Trying to suppress it is like trying to hold a beach ball underwater – it takes a lot of energy, and eventually, it’s going to pop up, often unexpectedly and with more force.
Making Space for Grief: How to Navigate It Healthily
John: So, if grief is natural and often misunderstood, what can we do? The key message from psychologists is that we need to learn to make space for it – to allow it to exist without judgment.
Lila: “Make space”? That sounds nice, but what does it actually mean in practice, John? How do you do that when you’re feeling awful?
John: Great question, because it’s all about practical, compassionate actions. Here are some ways to make space for your grief:
- Acknowledge your loss and your feelings: Name it. Say to yourself, “I am grieving the loss of X, and I feel sad/angry/confused.” Simply recognizing it is a powerful first step.
- Allow yourself to feel whatever comes up: Grief isn’t just sadness. It can be anger, guilt, relief, fear, numbness – a whole spectrum. Try not to judge these feelings as “good” or “bad.” They are just part of the process.
- Be patient with yourself: There’s no fixed schedule for grief. Some days will be harder than others. Healing is not linear.
- Practice self-compassion: This is a big one. Treat yourself with the same kindness, understanding, and patience you would offer a dear friend who was grieving. Ask yourself, “What do I need right now?” Maybe it’s rest, a walk, a good cry, or time with a friend.
- Seek support: You don’t have to go through grief alone. Talk to trusted friends or family, consider joining a support group, or speak with a therapist or counselor. Sharing your burden can make it feel lighter.
- Find ways to remember and honor: If you’ve lost a person, find healthy ways to remember them and honor their memory. This could be through rituals, sharing stories, or creating something. If it’s a different kind of loss, like a job or a dream, acknowledge what it meant to you and allow yourself to mourn its passing.
- Understand that grief can change you: Profound loss can reshape your perspective on life, your priorities, and your relationships. This change isn’t necessarily bad; it can lead to growth and a deeper appreciation for life, but it’s a process.
Grief: More Than Just Sadness
John: It’s so important to remember that grief isn’t a single, one-note emotion. The psychologist we’re drawing from really stresses this. It’s more like a complex symphony with many different instruments playing.
Lila: So, it’s not just about feeling down in the dumps?
John: Not at all. Alongside sadness, you might experience a whole range of emotions, such as:
- Anger: At the situation, at the unfairness of it, sometimes even at the person who was lost or at yourself.
- Guilt or regret: About things said or unsaid, done or not done.
- Anxiety and fear: About the future, about your own mortality, or about how you’ll cope.
- Loneliness: Even if surrounded by people.
- Fatigue: Grief is exhausting, emotionally and physically.
- Numbness: Sometimes it’s hard to feel anything at all, like a protective mechanism.
- Yearning: A deep, painful longing for what or who was lost.
- Even moments of relief or peace: Especially if the loss followed a long period of suffering or a difficult situation. It’s okay to feel these things too.
Recognizing that grief can wear many different emotional hats can help you feel less confused or worried about what you’re experiencing.
A Few Final Thoughts
John: For me, one of the biggest takeaways from learning about grief over the years, and reinforced by what experts like the psychologist in the original article say, is that it’s a testament to connection. We grieve because we loved, we cared, we invested. It’s a painful process, for sure, but it’s also a deeply human one. Understanding that it’s not just about death, but about many life transitions, has helped me be kinder to myself and others. It’s a reminder that these intense feelings are not a sign of weakness, but a sign that something mattered deeply.
Lila: I have to say, John, this has been really eye-opening. I definitely had a much narrower idea of grief. Knowing that it’s okay for it to be messy, to not follow a straight line, and that it applies to so many different kinds of losses is actually really helpful. It makes it feel less like a scary, overwhelming thing and more like a difficult, but normal, part of life that we can learn to navigate with more understanding and kindness towards ourselves.
John: Well said, Lila! And that’s the goal – more understanding, more kindness, and more space for this very human experience.
This article is based on the following original source, summarized from the author’s perspective:
The One Emotion We Most Often Misunderstand, From A
Psychologist