Are We *Really* Having Enough Sex? Let’s Find Out What a Therapist Thinks
Hi everyone, John here. On our blog, we usually talk about managing your finances or the latest health news. But today, we’re tackling a question that’s just as important for our overall well-being—a question that I bet many of us have quietly wondered about: “Are my partner and I having enough sex?”
It’s a thought that can creep in when we see a steamy movie scene or hear friends talking. We start comparing, and suddenly we’re worried we don’t “measure up.” But is there even a yardstick to measure against? We’re going to look at this from a sex therapist’s point of view to get a clear, calm, and surprisingly simple answer.
The Big Myth: Why There’s No “Magic Number”
Let’s get one thing straight right away: a sex therapist would tell you to throw the idea of a “magic number” out the window. There is no universal, one-size-fits-all answer to how much sex a couple “should” be having. Whether it’s once a day, once a week, or once a month, the frequency that’s right for you and your partner is unique to your relationship.
Think of it like this: Imagine asking, “How many times a week should a person eat Italian food?” The answer is different for everyone! It depends on your taste, your diet, your budget, and how you’re feeling. One person might love it every other day, while another is perfectly happy with it once a month. Neither person is “wrong.”
Lila: “Wait, John. So what about all those studies and surveys I see online that say ‘the average couple has sex 2.3 times per week’ or something like that? Should we just ignore them?”
That’s a fantastic question, Lila. My answer is: yes, you should mostly ignore them as a personal rulebook. Those numbers are just statistical averages, like the average height or shoe size in a country. They describe a huge group of people, not what is healthy or right for you as an individual. Being taller or shorter than average isn’t a problem, and the same goes for your sex life. The real focus should be on something else entirely.
From Quantity to Quality: What Really Matters
So, if it’s not about counting, what is it about? A therapist would encourage you to shift your focus from quantity (how often) to quality (how it feels).
The most important question isn’t “Are we doing it enough?” but rather, “Are we both happy with our sexual connection?” A couple having sex once a month who both feel deeply connected, desired, and satisfied is in a much healthier place than a couple having it three times a week out of a sense of duty or pressure, leaving one or both partners feeling empty.
Here are the kinds of questions a therapist might suggest you ask yourself instead of counting on a calendar:
- Do I feel emotionally close and connected to my partner during our intimate moments?
- Is our sexual life a source of joy and pleasure, or does it feel like a chore or a source of stress?
- Do we both feel wanted and appreciated in our relationship, both in and out of the bedroom?
- After we’re intimate, do we generally feel good about the experience and about each other?
If you can answer “yes” to questions like these, then congratulations! You’re very likely having “enough” sex for your relationship, no matter what the number is.
Lila: “Okay, ‘quality’ makes sense. But what does that really mean? Does it mean being some kind of expert or knowing a bunch of advanced techniques?”
Not at all, Lila. In this context, “quality” is less about technical performance and much more about emotional connection. It’s about feeling safe, respected, and heard. It’s about laughter, vulnerability, and mutual care. It’s the feeling that you and your partner are on the same team, exploring and enjoying something together. That emotional intimacy is what turns a physical act into a deeply bonding experience.
The Secret Weapon: Honest and Kind Communication
How do you figure out if you’re both happy? There’s only one way: you have to talk about it. This might sound scary, but communication is the most powerful tool you have. A therapist would say that a huge number of sexual problems stem from couples simply not talking to each other about their needs, fears, and desires.
Talking about sex doesn’t have to be awkward. Here are a few tips to make it a positive conversation:
- Choose the right time and place. Don’t bring it up in the middle of an argument or when you’re both exhausted. Find a calm, private moment when you’re both relaxed.
- Use “I feel” statements. Instead of saying, “You never initiate,” which can sound like an accusation, try something like, “I feel really loved and desired when you initiate.” This focuses on your feelings and desires.
- Be a good listener. When your partner is talking, listen to understand their perspective, not just to plan your response. Acknowledge their feelings, even if you see things differently.
- Talk about the positives! Don’t just focus on problems. Talk about what you enjoy. Saying, “I really loved it when we did…” can be a wonderful way to open the door to more of what makes you both happy.
What About Mismatched Desires?
One of the most common challenges couples face is having different levels of desire. One partner might want sex more often than the other. This is incredibly normal!
Lila: “You just mentioned different levels of desire, John. I’ve heard the word ‘libido’ used for that. What exactly is it?”
You’re right, Lila. The technical term is libido (pronounced li-bee-doh), which is simply a person’s overall sex drive. And it’s not a fixed thing! A person’s libido can go up and down because of stress, tiredness, health issues, medication, or just the natural ebbs and flows of life. It’s almost guaranteed that at some point in a long-term relationship, partners will have a mismatch.
A therapist’s goal isn’t to force the person with lower desire to want more, or the person with higher desire to want less. The goal is to find a happy, compassionate middle ground. This involves empathy, compromise, and creativity. Maybe it means finding a frequency that works for both of you. It also means remembering that physical intimacy isn’t just about sex. Hugging, cuddling, holding hands, and giving massages are all powerful ways to maintain a physical connection and feel close, which can take the pressure off.
A Few Final Thoughts
My (John’s) take: After digging into this, it seems the biggest trap is the one we set for ourselves—the trap of comparison. It’s liberating to realize there’s no “grade” to get. Shifting the goal from hitting a number to nurturing a feeling of connection and happiness feels so much healthier. It’s about the quality of the bond, not the quantity of an act.
Lila’s take: As someone new to thinking about these topics, I find it so reassuring! The idea that there’s no single “right” way takes all the pressure off. It makes it feel less like a test and more like an ongoing, kind conversation you have with the person you care about. Knowing that it’s normal for desires to be different is also a huge relief.
Ultimately, the answer to “Are we having enough sex?” isn’t found in a magazine or a survey. It’s found in a quiet, honest conversation between you and your partner. If you both feel loved, desired, and happy with your connection, then the answer is a resounding yes.
This article is based on the following original source, summarized from the author’s perspective:
Are We Having Enough Sex? A Sex Therapist Explains How To
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