Hi everyone, John here! Welcome back to the blog. Today, we’re diving into a topic that’s close to everyone’s heart: relationships. That exciting, sometimes nerve-wracking, early phase of getting to know someone can feel like a whirlwind. You’re floating on cloud nine, but there’s often a little voice in the back of your head asking, “Is this real? Could this actually last?”
It’s a huge question, and while there’s no magic crystal ball, experts say there are some very clear signs you can look for in the beginning that can give you a pretty good idea about the long-term potential. It’s less about a fairytale spark and more about the foundation you’re building together, brick by brick.
Let’s walk through what to look for, so you can feel more confident and clear-eyed as you navigate a new connection.
The Blueprint: Are You Building on Shared Values?
Imagine you’re building a house. Before you can even think about what color to paint the walls, you need a solid foundation. In a relationship, that foundation is your core values. These are the fundamental beliefs that guide your life and your big decisions.
“Hold on, John,” Lila, my wonderful assistant, just chimed in. “That sounds a bit heavy for a third date! What exactly are ‘core values’ in simple terms?”
That’s a fantastic question, Lila! Think of them as your personal “rules for life.” They’re what’s most important to you at your core. This could be things like:
- How you view family and whether you want one someday.
- Your ambitions for your career and personal growth.
- How you handle money.
- The importance of honesty, loyalty, or adventure in your life.
You don’t need to have an identical list, but your values shouldn’t be in direct conflict. If one person’s biggest dream is to travel the world with a backpack, and the other’s is to settle down and build a quiet life in their hometown, that’s a major difference you need to talk about. In the early stages, pay attention. Do they talk about the future in a way that feels compatible with yours? Do their life priorities seem to align with what you truly want? A strong match here is one of the biggest predictors of long-term happiness.
How You Talk: The Real Art of Communication
We all know “communication is key,” but what does that actually mean day-to-day? It’s not just about talking; it’s about making the other person feel heard, understood, and respected.
When you share something important—a story about your day, a worry, or a dream—how do they react?
- Do they put their phone down and make eye contact?
- Do they ask follow-up questions that show they were listening?
- Or do they seem distracted, cut you off, or immediately turn the conversation back to themselves?
This is related to a concept called active listening.
“Okay, I’ve heard that term before, ‘active listening’,” Lila said, looking curious. “Is that just a fancy way of saying you should be quiet when the other person is talking?”
Haha, that’s a big part of it, Lila! But it’s more than just not speaking. Active listening means you are fully concentrated on what is being said. You’re not just waiting for your turn to talk. You might nod along, or say things like “that makes sense” or “tell me more about that.” It shows your partner that their words matter to you. If you feel like you’re truly being listened to in the early days, it’s a wonderful sign.
The First Disagreement: A Test or a Team-Building Exercise?
No couple on earth agrees on everything. The first disagreement isn’t a sign of doom; it’s an important test. The key isn’t what you fight about, but how you fight.
Think about it: is a disagreement a battle where one person has to win and the other has to lose? Or is it a problem that you, as a team, need to solve together? A healthy approach involves trying to understand the other person’s perspective, even if you don’t agree with it. It means talking things through without resorting to hurtful tactics like:
- Name-calling or insults: This is a major red flag.
- The silent treatment: Shutting down and refusing to communicate is punishing and unproductive.
- Bringing up the past: Keeping score of old mistakes to use as ammunition.
- Blaming: Making everything the other person’s fault.
On the other hand, if your new partner can say “I’m sorry,” listen to your side, and work toward a compromise, you’ve struck gold. That’s a skill that will help you weather any storm that comes your way.
The “Open Door” Policy: Is Your Partner Emotionally Available?
This is a big one, and a term that gets thrown around a lot. So what is emotional availability?
“Yeah, John, I was just about to ask!” said Lila. “It sounds like a psychology term. What does an ’emotionally available’ person actually look like in real life?”
Great point, Lila. Let’s break it down. Imagine a person’s emotions are behind a door. An emotionally unavailable person keeps that door locked and bolted. They might struggle to talk about their feelings, avoid serious conversations, or pull away when you try to get closer. They might tell you they’re “not ready for anything serious” or have a hard time being consistent with their affection.
An emotionally available person, however, keeps that door unlocked. They aren’t afraid to be vulnerable. They can share their joys, fears, and insecurities with you. They are willing to connect on a deeper level. It doesn’t mean they pour their heart out on the first date, but you’ll notice a gradual and consistent opening-up. This is crucial for building the trust and intimacy a lasting relationship needs.
The Cheerleader Effect: Do They Support Your Growth?
A great partner isn’t just a romantic interest; they’re your biggest fan. Think about how they react when you talk about your goals, hobbies, or accomplishments.
- Are they genuinely happy for your successes?
- Do they encourage you to pursue your interests, even if it’s something they don’t share?
- When you’re having a tough time, do they offer a listening ear and a shoulder to lean on?
If someone feels threatened by your success or dismissive of your passions, that’s a sign of insecurity that can become a major problem down the road. You want a partner who adds to your life and celebrates the person you are and the person you want to become. You should feel like you’re on the same team, cheering each other on from the sidelines.
Consistency: Do Their Actions Match Their Words?
This might be the simplest, yet most powerful, sign of all. Trust is built on consistency. It’s easy for someone to say wonderful things and make grand promises. But do their actions back it up?
If they say they’ll call you after work, do they? If they make plans for Saturday, do they follow through? Is their affection and attention steady, or does it run hot and cold, leaving you feeling confused and insecure? Consistency shows respect for you and your time. It proves that they are reliable and that you can count on them. This steady, dependable behavior is the bedrock of a secure and lasting bond. It might not be as thrilling as a dramatic, unpredictable romance, but it’s what leads to real, sustainable happiness.
A Few Final Thoughts…
John’s Take: After seeing so many stories over the years, it’s clear that the most successful relationships aren’t built on a magical, uncontrollable “spark.” They’re built on choice, respect, and effort. It’s about finding someone whose daily actions make you feel safe, seen, and cherished. Don’t ignore the small things in the beginning—they often tell you the biggest story.
Lila’s Take: This is so eye-opening! I think it’s easy to make excuses for someone in the beginning because you really want it to work out. But this framework makes it feel less like a guessing game and more like paying attention to the facts. It’s empowering to know what healthy behavior actually looks like!
This article is based on the following original source, summarized from the author’s perspective:
What To Look For In The Beginning Of A Relationship To Know
If It’ll Last